5 Things You Learn To Love As A Man

Almond Joy

I sent out this heater last night and all the little boys came running out of their moms basement to flame me, but little do they know they're the feeble fucks who haven't developed a mature food pallet. Trust me, nothing made me more depressed than being a 7-year old on halloween and seeing an almond joy in my trick or treat bag, but as I've grown older I cannot deny their greatness. If I had the chose between eating the sweetest coochie in the world or an almond joy, I'm picking the almond joy every single time. Anybody can enjoy sweet coochie but it makes a man to enjoy an almond joy. 

Brussel Sprouts

Nothing gets my dick up quite like a perfectly baked batch of brussel sprouts covered in balsamic vinaigrette. Much like beer, brussel sprouts are an acquired taste. What used to be a "finish your greens before you leave the table" item, is now one of my go to favorites. Next time you feel low on T, don't rub one out. Instead, go buy a nice steak, pair it with some brussel sprouts, and a bottle of red wine. You'll have so much T you won't know what to do with it.

Beer

Anyone who says they liked beer from the moment they tried it is a lying beta male bitch. I’d rather get jerked off with sand paper than have to try beer for the first time again. I’ll never forget the first time I had a beer. I was 14 at a Dolphins tailgate and my dad said “here try one of these just don’t tell your mother.” I could feel the joy and nerves run through my body, I was finally going to be one of the boys. Then I took my first sip and quickly realized I wasn’t ready to be one of the boys. I spit it right out, looked my dad dead in the eyes and said "how the fuck do you drink this shit everyday?" He looked at me and said son, “you just get used to it.” And he was right. Once you get over that hump, your life is never the same. What was once a dreaded drink, became a weekly pleasure. I love you beer, you’re one of my best friends.

Ranch on Pizza

Don't tell my family or they might disown me, but pizza and ranch were always meant to be together. I used to get embarrassed when my ex would order a side of ranch for her pizza, but little did I know my arrogance was the true embarrassment. I can't get enough of it. I ate an entire large sized Detroit style pizza all by myself. I didn't ask for parmesan or red peppers, instead, the once proud Italian just asked for a side of ranch. I felt like a rich rapper who just ratted on his boys. Sure, you'll lose your street cred, but you'll live a much happier life. 

Real Sushi 

I have no clue what the roll above this text is called, but that's what I call real sushi. As a young teenager I used to tell everyone I loved sushi. Why? Because girls love sushi. For the longest time, I would walk around like I had the biggest cock in the room because I could house California Rolls. Little did I know I had the shrimpest meat in the entire ocean. Once I started seeing real big steppers order sushi, I knew my California Rolls wouldn't cut it if I wanted to start sleeping with 30-year old women. It took me a couple tries to get used to eating raw fish on top of a roll of rice, but once you get used to it, there's no turning back.

Honorable Mention: Eating Ass

There's a time and a place for everything, but if you catch a nice piece of ass on the right day, it's a perfect compliment to it's counterpart.